liloloveFor as long as I can remember I have always suffered from social anxiety. Although I’m naturally a recluse, anytime I was around people I felt a sense of heightened self awareness and increased heart rate. This happened around strangers, family and friends too. I dreaded school and social interactions for this reason and I had to mentally prepare myself to leave the house everyday. I felt confused about why I felt this way and envied people who could socialize effortlessly. I didn’t feel comfortable to talk to anyone about it so I just suffered in silence.
Although I had this internal battle Iv’e always been the type of person who strove for improvement in all areas of my life. I forced myself to do things outside of my comfort zone often, which I now know is called “exposure therapy.” Overtime I really started to come out of my shell and built up confidence but I would find myself falling short in being confident and would give myself a hard time for it. Now that I think about it I became obsessed with trying to present myself as perfect as a coping mechanism and It was adding to my anxiety. Overall I tried my best to genuinely improve myself.
One of the biggest turning points was getting my first job at 18 at Hooters. I was relatively confident (or so i thought) at this point and my social anxiety was no longer running my life. Before I started working there I was a little nervous about the constant interaction with strangers but it didn’t deter me. Working at Hooters as a waitress helped me so much to gain confidence within and I learned how to talk to anyone but there was many times where I felt overwhelmed by the environment which leads me to my next part of my journey. Drugs!!!
I used to smoke weed before my shift to relax and I felt so good and like I was in my own world. Looking back, that was a horrible mistake. I became dependent on using weed to relax whenever I felt stressed and it became a crutch. It got to a point where it started to make me feel paranoid instead of relaxed. My new found friend was hurting me more than I knew but I couldn’t seem to stop. I even started drinking a lot too and I got caught up in a vicious cycle. I smoked everyday since 2013 up until this year. I’ve tried to quit many times lasting hours, or maybe a day or two but I always went back. I thought I conquered my anxiety but I really didn’t and it now seemed to come back stronger than ever.
My life spiraled out of control in many ways than one and I actually hit rock bottom around 2016. I felt depressed and kind of started to give up on things I once prided myself on like working out, modeling, self care routines, ect. I began to isolate myself even more than usual and this is where I found interest in the occult, spirituality, and metaphysics. I would be on my phone for hours staying up all night researching these things. I was consuming information like food and wondered where this has been all my life. I learned that I was an Empath and it finally clicked about why I suffered from anxiety so much. I was very sensitive to energy and never understood the concept of retreating to recharge my energy or protecting it.
Up until recently I thought my life was falling apart (which it did haha) but only so I could step into this new phase of my life. A phase of realization of who I am and why I went through feeling that way for so long. I’m not going to say It was fun going through a dark time because it was constant hell, but it is true that the most precious gifts and strength can be found at the lowest points of your life. I found a power within that I never knew was there and I now have the courage to speak on things that I wouldn’t have in the past. I know that I didn’t have to suffer in silence and sharing my story shows me that I have grown so much and I am so damn proud myself.